Posted by: Lee | April 11, 2006

If Woman Were Football Teams

Birmingham – Pamela Anderson:
Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan – Davina McCall:
Poor attendances confirm they’ve been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth – Girls Aloud:
Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn’t like them but admit it, you’ve sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland – Kerry Katona:
Once the people’s favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted – now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs – Keira Knightley:
Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn’t be an drawback.

Everton – Dannii Minogue:
The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Fulham – Charlotte Church:
Proof that money can’t buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Arsenal – Jordan:
Were more likeable when they weren’t packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle – Jodie Marsh:
Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa – Dido:
Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool – Sophie Ellis-Bextor
Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn’t work.

Chelsea – Rachel Stevens:
You’d rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Bolton – Clare Balding:
You wouldn’t. Not even if they were the last team on earth

United – Catherine Zeta Jones
Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American with too much money

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