Posted by: Lee | June 1, 2006

Guilty

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything on here (just for a change) but time is one of those things I never seem to have, I frequently find myself having something I need to do (Lizzie refers to it as p**sing around). Life is busy! So here I am, at last getting round to posting something.

I find I tend to post more when I’m in contemplative mood, a mood that normally comes about as a result of being tired or feeling worn out. I’m feeling somewhat engrossed by the former today and as a result a bit emotional and have a strong desire/need to post my thoughts. Blogs are a good way of getting things off your chest, metaphorically speaking, things that would otherwise sit running laps around your head. This fact is supported by the blog I have been reading on the internet today. It has been covered in the news recently as the blog is by a homeless woman who has been living in her car for the past year. She has just been give a book deal. Her posts and style of writing are extremely captivating.

I have only read a few of her earlier posts but they are substantial enough to understand the struggle she has been going through. I fully intend to read the rest to bring me up to speed. It would be wrong to pity her as pity is not something she wants, what she has been wanting/striving for is a chance, a chance to escape what seemed like an ever increasing chasm which was slowly swallowing her up, a chasm which appeared to have no way out. As I read her posts she slowly expanded on the situations she found herself in, desperately trying to stay warm during the freezing winters inside a sleeping bag in her car, using public toilets and showers in attempt to be perceived as normal so as not to draw attention to herself, trying to find enough money to eat. These were situations you would never want to find yourself in or wish upon anyone, you find yourself imagining how you would cope if you were thrust into the same position. Not sure if I could. How could things go that wrong so that you end up in such a situation, no home, no job, no friends. I found myself feeling extremely guilty, guilty for not appreciating what I have and guilty for being so materialistic. People get swallowed up in their own issues, sometimes rightly so, but other times they are oblivious to others situations, others who are far worse off. I’m as guilty as the next person of this. It put things in perspective.

I’ve been moaning a lot recently, moaning about money, moaning about my job (which I am more and more disillusioned with), moaning about life. But when I take a step back and compare situations it is pretty obvious in the great scheme of things I’m actually quite lucky. I have a wonderful and beautiful girlfriend who loves me, a family who cares about me, food on the table and a roof over my head (about to get a new roof soon, one which will be over mine and lizzie’s head). I just can’t help becoming engrossed in this constant strife for more, it seems to be second nature to me (indeed it increasingly seems to be second nature to society as a whole). We are living in an increasingly materialistic world, one obsessed with status and possessions rather than real values such as kindness and decency. Has society always been like this or is society too on a downward spiral like the homeless blogger was on? It increasingly feels like the latter and I feel guilty and responsible for it as at times I am part of that spiral.

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